I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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