i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
