Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize