Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
