Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
