when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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