the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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