the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
