toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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