i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
