Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
