plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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