I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
