just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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