her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
