You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize