I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize