so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
