does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
