My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
