is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
