Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
