I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
