Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
