just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
