A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
