my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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