this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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