i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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