And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
