There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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