Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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