Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
