I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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