I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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