I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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