His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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