If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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