All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
