My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
