So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
