we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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