So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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