my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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