just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
