okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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