How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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