I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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