Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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