I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
