They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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