My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
