You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize